Voicing the voices in my head

I always got asked that when I was a kid. Now in the third decade of my life, when asked the same question by my mom a few days ago, I was a taken aback.

I was startled because:

1. I thought I had grown up. Of course, there was still potential to grow up some more, but I had definitely outgrown the question.

2. I was happy with my life, with what I was when I was grown up.

3. I thought I was already doing something with my life. OK, so it had nothing to do with being a doctor (like I wanted to be when I was 7) or a teacher (like I wanted to be when I was 11 or so), or even a princess (4-5 years old), but I was something!

So my mom’s question kinda got me slightly rattled. “What do you mean?” I asked her. “I mean,” she began, “You do want to do something eventually that earns you some income, right?”

More irritation occurred with the dawn of the realisation. So that silly question I was asked as a kid was all about how much money one wants to make?! It was never about following your heart, doing what you loved, etc. etc.?

“I am already something,” I defiantly told mom. “I am a wife, a daughter, a writer…” “Yes, yes, of course you are,” mom interrupted. “But are those things making you any money?” As I gaped at mom like a fish out of water, she continued. “It is a nice thing that you don’t really need to work for money, and that the people around you are supportive of that decision, but… a housewife? Is that all you want to be?”

The fish-out-of-water feeling was being replaced by a terrible sadness and frustration. Still, I wanted to fight my way out of this one. So I said, “Writing may or may not make me any money, but at least I’m happy doing what I do now than I ever have been. Doesn’t that account for anything?” Silence. So I forged on. “And even if I am called just that – a housewife – what’s wrong with it? I like being home, taking care of my family…” Mom interrupts yet again. “Yes, that is nice. But you don’t even have kids yet… Kids can take a lot of your time and energy, so it’s OK to be a housewife then. You need to dedicate your time to your kids.” I had begun to lose focus of what the discussion was really about. Was it about me being a penniless writer, a housewife without an income, or not having children? In a fit of rage, I ended the topic saying unless H has something averse to say about me not earning, I don’t have a problem with it, so mom shouldn’t either. Strangely, she agreed and gave up.

Back alone in my room, I began to wonder if my life was indeed such a sorry mess. My mom, the one person who taught me to always follow my heart and chase my dreams, was telling me that I was worthless unless I earned something. Or was I missing something there? Did she also say, “Your dream must earn you some money or else it’s a worthless one to chase,” I tried to remember.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I want to continue to write, and I hope that one day, people will like what I write so much that they will pay me for it. Of course I want to make some money off my writing; who doesn’t? Having said that, I will not be down in the dumps if I don’t get paid either. After six years of getting a monthly paycheck, for the first time, I am truly loving my job, if I can call it that, that has not made me any real money yet. I feel happier than I have in years and I feel enabled to give my best to the people around me.  This is what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I am almost there!

I understand my mom’s concerns about not having a steady income. There are risks associated with that, and thus, you are dependant on someone for money always. I do hope, some day in the near future, I can actually live off my writing, or at least earn enough as pocket-money! I am working towards that. In the meanwhile, I am happy being happy!

The next time I ask a kid, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I am going to probe him/her further. “Will you be making any money as an engine driver?” I will ask. And if the kid gives me the that’s-the-strangest-darn-question-I’ve-ever-heard look, I will know his heart is in the right place. After all, I too just want to be happy with myself when I grow up.